Letter on NLD Individuals Pursuing Success

I am writing this e-mail to response to all of the support that Marcia has given me through the list. I get depressed with so much of the sadness that I hear and can't do anything about. Several people on this list have felt that I don't have NLD because my life is going well. However, if they heard my history, I clearly do. In fact, I have a very severe case, one of the most involved childhoods of anyone who has NLD has had. In order to have my career and family life be what I want them to be, I have to give up a great deal. Often when people on the list comment about a television show, movie, or book, I can't follow it because those are luxuries I can't find the time
to enjoy. When I consulted a therapist to deal with some serious problems that my daughter was experiencing, I was criticized for putting too much into my family and career and not doing enough for myself. However, she doesn't have NLD, and doesn't realize how hard I have to work. These are my choices and I'm happy with the ones I made. I can easily get depressed that I have to work harder than anyone around me, or I can be grateful that I am successful, despite NLD.

For me, the key to success is to

1. Realize that I must work harder than other people (and do it);

2. Pay for the support that I need ( which is something that I have the luxury to do because I'm lucky enough to have this career);

3. Take my negatives and turn them into positives. I try not to complain w/o having a solution. It doesn't always work, but I try.

4. Rather than spending my time wanting that I don't have, enjoying the wonderful things that I do have. Someone once asked me why I'm not depressed most of the time. I responded that it is because my life is so much better than it was predicted to be, and so much better than it ever was.

Marcia once stated that having NLD does not preclude having relationships. You might have to work harder to figure out how to make them work, or you might decide that it's not worth all that effort to you in certain cases. I couldn't agree more. I had problems with friendships as a young child. I was constantly ridiculed, physically beaten up, and was even sexually abused. I always did have a few good friends, though. Things changed drastically when I became a teenager. Since I was abused by my family (mostly my mother) I looked outside of my family for support. I started dating at a very young age, 13 to be exact. Boys didn't care if I couldn't participate in sports, sew etc. Girls seemed to care more, but I always found a few that I could relate to. Presently, I have some very good friendships. I'm too busy to enjoy many of them, but some, like the ones with my husband and kids I cherish. I got confused by all of this "relationship talk" on the list and started to question my friendships. So I asked a friend who is extremely intelligent and quite successful if my NLD affected our friendship. She has always been honest with me. She said that it didn't at all. Most of the time she's not aware of it. She said that to her I'm one of the warmest, most considerate people she knew. She said that I'm always there to help and not self -centered. She said that I don't complain or talk about myself so much like many of her other friends do. She said that whenever she needs to problem solve, she calls me because it's a real strength that I have. 

Like most people with NLD, I definitely have problems w/ non-verbal communication and think people are mad when they're not. They are experiencing some other negative emotion which usually doesn't involve me. I try not to let it get to me. I have a ton of weaknesses and I can easily
focus on them, but I'd rather not. I don't fit in w/ many of the women in my neighborhood temple etc. It's not that they reject me anymore. I choose not to be w/ people who make me feel uncomfortable. When someone on the list suggested that people with NLD might limit their family size because of NLD, Marcia responded that NLD should not determine the size of our families.
Just like every other decision, it comes with a set of givens. You assess the skills you have, assess the weaknesses, and decide if it will work in favor of a specific situation or against it. Actually, I was the one who wanted to have more kids. When Eric, our second, was born, my husband said
"Enough". I did have to work harder than most people with the organizational and activities needing motor skills when raising my children. However, they brought me so much joy that I was willing to do this. I had to work since I was thirteen. I don't know what it's like not to work and I transferred those same expectations to parenting. Marcia said that we should "never measure ourselves against anyone else". We only have to be the best "you" that we can be - I need to practice this one. I always feel less than others. It's a weakness that I will work hard this year to overcome. I can fall into self hatred when I allow myself. Fortunately, the people who love me won't allow me to do this.

Someone on the list said that people tend to reject people who are extremely needy. I suffer from doing that, too. I try to help people if I can. However, there comes a point where I realize that I can't help them, and they're pulling me down, and end the relationship. That's probably the only
time I'm ever selfish. Life is too short. I have learned this lesson after giving up too many years of my life helping people who I couldn't help. 

My other purpose for this response is to support my son. Eric, my almost 17 year old w/ NLD, is planning to be successful as an adult. He knows that he'll struggle in many areas. However, he's willing. Eric has numerous friends from many different circles. He is constantly receiving phone calls and has to decide which group of friends he'll spend a particular weekend day or evening with. Friends find him kind, compassionate and fun to be around. He does have the gift of having his NLD not impact his gross motor skills (for me my gross motor deficits are extreme) and is extremely grateful for that. (It probably sounds sexist but I think gross motor problems impact boys socially even more than girls.) He knows he has weaknesses as well as strengths, but chooses to enjoy his life and do the best I can. I can not keep exposing Eric to so many negatives. I don't want him to learn that he can't achieve. I want him to be exposed to positive role models. Thank you Marcia for always bringing this list back to the positive. The kids like Ami, Eric and all of the others depend on all of us to support you in doing this.