Winning the Battle

I just want people to know that just because you are diagnosed with something does not mean that you cannot do things, even things the diagnosis says you have trouble with. I have sensory integration dysfunction, nld, and like many people with those diagnoses, severe depression and anxiety.

 Things I’ve accomplished that are LD related:

1. Learning to ride a bike at around the age of 8 or 9. I did that with hard work in OT.
2. Doing regular pushups (not the kind on your knees), I was in OT for low muscle tone. That is a recent accomplishment. I did modified pushup pretty much everyday for a very long time and now do regular pushups. I am up to doing three.
3. Getting my handwriting so no letters are backwards and so I can write well. I used to have handwriting that wasn't legible (I can’t even read some of early elementary school writing and now I get compliments on my handwriting.). Though I cannot write a full essay by hand, I can now type as fast as I think. (I did Mario Teaches Typing everyday for a couple years) and get A’s in English and literature classes.
4. Learning to read music and play piano. Practice and hard work plus a teacher who understood my learning style. I can now sight-read well enough to be in a semi-professional choir. (Reading music and playing piano has to do with visual spatial skills and eye-hand coordination which I have always had a lot of trouble with)
5. Getting through a year of Algebra and half a year of Geometry. (With a very good tutor and very hard work). (I would have gotten through a whole year of Geometry except I had to go into psychiatric treatment which I will go into soon.)
6. Learning to draw, not incredibly well but okay (I do not have any visual images ever so I can’t visualize what I am about to draw)

In eighth grade I had school anxiety so bad I went to school less than a month the entire year. One thing is interesting though, I was able to sing in front of the whole school for the talent show without anxiety but couldn’t go to school. Social situations give me so much more anxiety than performing partially due to the fact that I know what I am supposed to do and I am giving out stimuli rather than taking it in.

However, I was finally diagnosed with NLD. Though that made me upset enough to attempt suicide at first because I thought that meant I was stupid and all the years my mom had told me I was smart but in a different way meant nothing. Then I realized my disability meant I had strengths and weaknesses and in 9^th grade went to a small LD school where I was at the top of the class but needed a school that small (25 people) because I had so much anxiety.

Tenth grade I went to a regular private school, where at first I succeeded academically but then gave up on my work because I had decided to stop my meds after a good summer at a musical theater camp and was extremely depressed and anxious. Socially I was incredibly scared and shy.

In January that year my parents found out about a suicide attempt I had made and the constant self-mutilation I was doing. I continued to self-mutilate in the hospitals and  went from hospital to hospital all over the country and finally found one that would accept me. People gave up on me. But my parents didn’t, though I did.

They finally did electro-convulsive therapy which helped my depression and I continue to have it and will probably go on the vagus nerve stimulator when it gets approved. What also helped me was a lot of work in cognitive behavioral therapy.  My old thoughts are there is something wrong with me, that can’t be put into words but is so horrible I need to die. Everybody hates me because I am a burden.

I am now able to go part time to a community college and got an award for volunteering in a music therapy group for developmentally disabled teenagers and adults. I understand the sensory delays of the autistic “kids” (I call them kids) and understand what its like to be in a world that doesn’t understand you.